


The calm before the storm

by Damian_wayne13



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Choi Beomgyu-Centric, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, It gets better before it gets worse, Mean taehyun but he cares, Multi, Neglect, Sad Choi Beomgyu, Self-Esteem Issues, Slow Burn, Soft Choi Soobin, Soft Choi Yeonjun, Soft Huening Kai, Soft Kang Taehyun, sighs my mind is a weird place, txt are pretty much assholes during the first half but they get better
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-15
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:06:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26476930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Damian_wayne13/pseuds/Damian_wayne13
Summary: Beomgyu loved himself until he didn'tOr in which Beomgyu's broken and txt just don't notice until its too late
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Choi Soobin, Choi Beomgyu & Choi Yeonjun, Choi Beomgyu & Everyone, Choi Beomgyu & Huening Kai, Choi Beomgyu & Kang Taehyun
Comments: 59
Kudos: 196





	1. Chapter one

**Author's Note:**

> so this is my first txt fanfic hope y'all like it   
> Also I am working on my writing and am super open to criticism   
> The title is from "when she cries" by Britt Nicole

Small. The black-haired boy thinks put loud after hours of staring at the ceiling

Beomgyu doesn't think he ever realized how small their dorms were, sure they were unbelievably beautiful, but they were small.

He could never point out when that small became suffocating

He looks around their small room barely

There was a desk, a chair, and a small bunk bed. Not much to observe but it's not like Beomgyu has something better to do

He wishes there were a window though, he doesn't know why but the idea if having a window to look out off seemed nice

Maybe it'd stop the annoying suffocation that he felt

How did the dorm get so small? Why can't he breathe? His body hurts from lying in the same position for hours, but he doesn't have the strength to get up

He breaths in loudly and then breaths out a shaky breath which seems to wake up the older boy sleeping in the bed under him

Was it Beomgyu's voice which woke him up or was he already awake? Beomgyu would usually ask but he doesn't think he has the strength to care anymore

"Good morning Gyu!" The leader said and Beomgyu could almost feel his smile through his voice

"Good morning Soobin Hyung!" Beomgyu despite himself said very loudly

He almost chuckles at how fake it sounded but the leader seems to have bought it

"Soobin hy-

He watches as Soobin walks out the room without letting him continue through a part of him wants to think that Soobin just didn't hear him something tells him that that's not the case

(He ignores the sting in his eyes because he knows Soobin Hyung would have listened had it been someone else)

Tiredly and lazily the small boy gets down from his bed and tries to start his day with a smile

* * *

The clock was ticking slowly he noticed

Why do minutes take so damn long to pass anyways? Or has he just started noticing things too much?

He looks around the practice room as they were taking a break

Huening kai and Taehyun were joking about something while huening kai sat next to Soobin Hyung in his arms, Yeonjun was sitting next to him on the other side of the room as he talked to Soobin and made ridiculous dad jokes obviously copied off of Twitter

After a while even the maknaes joined in on what was going with the two oldest and laughed

No one seemed to care to look at Beomgyu in the corner scrolling through his phone. A part of him wonders if they even want to talk to him

They always look so much happier when he isn't there to annoy them or be a neat in every conversation

He sighs for what he could only assume is the 10th time that day and rubs his eyes

Goodness's sake he is so tired

"Beomgyu ah are you ready for practice?" Asks Yeonjun with a frown

The older is probably annoyed by his antics the younger believes

"Yes Hyung" the black-eyed boy says and looks up from his place on the floor

Its surprises him when yeonjun frowns looking at him

Must've been quite the site though he thinks

Dark circles, oversized full sleeves clothes in the middle of July and swollen eyes

"Gyu-ah are you sure you'll be able to? You look really tired sweety"

How bad did he look to yeonjun to actually notice something?

He smiles at Yeonjun and shakes him

Can't you see me starts playing and all of them start to dance

He tries not to pay attention to the lyrics and pretends it doesn't hit close to home

He puts on killer expressions because that's what MOA care about

It wasn't like there was something else special about him

He wonders where his attention was when he slips over Taehyun

"WHAT THE HELL BEOMGYU?" the red head screams as Beomgyu cowers under his gaze

Beomgyu starts finding his shoes interesting suddenly as he burns holes into them glaring

Taehyun takes a deep breath calming himself down

"Look I don't know what's been wrong with you lately, but you need to understand life isn't about you. We debut in this group together and you need to out some effort in" Taehyun says staring into his eyes as Beomgyu lifts his head up for a moment

Beomgyu tries to find love or fondness in there

He ignores the sting in his eyes when he doesn't

"Sorry" he mutters still looking at his shoes like a lifeline

"Oh, shut up, you can't do shit in this group and all you say for that is sorry? Beomgyu how did someone half as untalented of you debut?" Taehyun says the last part while chuckles

This hateful chuckle, he probably doesn't realize he ruined his friendship of eight years just now

He knows he is just trying to spite Beomgyu, that he doesn't really mean any of the words he said and he also knows he'll regret them the very next hour but right now he needs to get his pent up frustrations for the upcoming comeback on someone and Beomgyu's is the one who happens to be under fire today

Taehyun was going to continue when Beomgyu looks at him for a brief second before turning his face too Yeonjun expectantly

Eyes begging at him to make Taehyun stop and tell him that he isn't untalented, that there isn't anything wrong with him

The words which come out of Yeonjun next though were almost the last straw

"He isn't wrong though" he says

Beomgyu looks at everyone who were mirroring Taehyun's expression of tardiness and frustration

After looking at everyone Beomgyu looks back at Taehyun

The sting in eyes still ignored

"I- I am sorry, I didn't know I was this much of an inconvenience. I'll try to be better" he says

Everyone is txt's would admit that those words hurt their hearts or maybe it was the broken voice of Beomgyu or maybe it was both

One wouldn't know

But today Beomgyu needed to know about their frustrations so they simply let it be

There was an awkward moment before Soobin turned the music on and looked at Beomgyu with worried eyes for the next three hours left of their practice

Safe to say the younger didn't mess up this time but a part of Soobin knew they did

* * *

Beomgyu sits in the back as they leave

Clearly, he isn't interested in interacting with anyone at the moment

He sits in the back and stares at the window

There's couple walking down holding hands

They look cute together he thinks

Their smiles look so genuine with each other that he was actually jealous. Why can't he have such a person? Platonically or romantically?

Like he deserves that

He continues to think as he looks out the window

He doesn't notice the pair of sad eyes staring at him

* * *


	2. Chapter two

Beomgyu was four when he heard the word pretending

Eight when he first saw a live example of it. He saw his brother crying in his room after a fight with their parents

His brother didn't know that Beomgyu saw him cry so he pretended life he was okay and happy

He smiled at Beomgyu ignoring the horrors their parents had screamed at them less than twenty minutes ago

"Be strong and never let others be incharge of what you do" he had said that day

It was out of context and Beomgyu won't ever get why his brother. He didn't then and couldn't now

He was fourteen when he found himself pretending for the first time

A senior had punched him hard in the face and beaten him to a bloody pulp later

Beomgyu had gotten back to the dormitory an hour later after just lying on the muddy ground with scrapped hands and knees

Soobin Hyung who he had only known for a month had given him a gentle smile which had a hint of shyness in it until he noticed the bruises on Beomgyu

The younger could have complained and said what happened in school but cowards don't win

Beomgyu said it was a wall

Now at 19 he was used to people pretending but it was still a shock to when he saw Taehyun do it

Taehyun had always been bold and true to himself, he wouldn't ever pretend to do anything he wouldn't want to but today? Today he came up to Beomgyu in the middle if the afternoon as the older attempted to cook

"Beomgyu Hyung?" This already alerted beomgyu (its "gyu" he almost wanted to correct)

"Yes Taehyun" he too refrained from the use of the pet name, maybe it was because Taehyun didn't use it or maybe because Beomgyu was too tired to filter his words anymore

(It's both but he won't admit that)

"So, I wanted apologize for last week" the red-haired boy had said

He was looking at his feet expecting Beomgyu to say he's mad and that thought mad him nervous

Beomgyu gave a gentle smile, one he used with the maknaes quite often

"It's alright Taehyun-ah" he said

In all truth even Beomgyu didn't know why he said it's okay

He thinks it's because he doesn't want to escalate the situation further or maybe because he loved Taehyun (he tried to ignore the voice in the back of his head telling him whatever Taehyun said was the truth)

Beomgyu leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Taehyun. The younger was shorter but had gotten stronger

Compared to Beomgyu frail thin arms his would deliver such a warmth in Beomgyu's heart but all the black-haired boy felt was coldness

He was getting hugged by Taehyun, but it was obvious the younger was trying to pretend there was fondness in that hug

Beomgyu would have stopped him

Would have asked him if he cares but right the poor boy would do anything for even having someone pretend, they loved him

He was 19 when he realized he was willing to not call out people who pretend just because he needed that

* * *

Beomgyu was nervous.

He came home about three hours ago and none of the other members were home yet

"Gyu-ah if you want to practice more, we're going to leave ok? We'll be at home!! Bye"

"Sure guys"

None of them are home yet and its really worrying Beomgyu

They won't pick up his phone calls or see his texts. What if something happened to them? They could have been kidnapped, hurt, a crazy saessaeng or who knows what

He silently prays to god they are ok as he taps his foot hard in the living room of their dorm

"-so agree with that" he heard the voice he knew for a fact belonged to his Yeonjun Hyung followed by the adorable laughter of huening kai which would have made him smile had it not been for the fact that he was a second away from crying

He feels nervous as they enter the room. He wants to leave, and he hates himself for wanting to leave

Cause why wouldn't he? These were the people who had love him no matter what but now he wants to hide himself before they enter the room

He wants to hide his face and almost teary eyes because he is scared, they might hate him for crying. What if they think he's too weak and frail? Such an attention seeker he must be

He can't even deal with things four-year olds would have dealt with. He's weak

He hears the doorknob turn and he smiles despite of his tears and bearing heart. He hopes no one would notice (no he doesn't, he hopes they'll notice and maybe just maybe give him a hug because he needs that)

"Hey guys" he says interrupting their chatter

He could almost feel the distaste radiating off them which almost makes him choke on his tears but no he won't let them out

He'll go into his room and cry in the safety of his four walls but not here

He might cry in the shower but not here

"Strong men don't cry for petty things Beomgyu"

He remembers his mother bitterly telling him that when he was ten

"Hey gyu! You got home early?" Soobin Hyung asks with a smile which Beomgyu hopes is genuine

"Ahh yes I did though I was a little concerned since you guys weren't here. Where were you?" He finally asks and it feels like a weight is lifted from his shoulders

"We went to Ddong Café" Soobin replied as the rest of them left for their rooms

"Oh" he said and tried to smile

They always went there together

It was their place

And they didn't take him there- he stops his thoughts. This is all his fault, he's the one who's annoying and maybe the rest of tomorrow by together finally saw that they deserve better

"Hey hyungie?" He asks in an adorable voice

"Yes?" Soobin asks though he looks annoyed

Had it been Taehyun or huening kai he would have found that adorable but then again

Both are effortlessly adorable unlike him who isn't who's just a try hard

"I want to talk to you" he says with all gid might internally hoping that Soobin would say yes and maybe then the older would fix him

He wonders when he became a thing needing to be fixed rather than a person in his own eyes

"Look gyu I'm tired. Why don't you go and annoy someone else?" His Hyung asks him and he would be a liar if he says that sentence almost didn't make him tear up but then again, he had been wanting to cry for hours now

Beomgyu doesn't reply and leaves the room instead

He doesn't notice the confused expression on Soobin's face when the latter realizes his dongsaeng didn't look happy

Not that Soobin tried to stop him either

* * *

He wonders when he got so empty

It isn't that he doesn't feel anything in fact he does, he cries sometimes and sometimes he laughs and is genuinely happy

There are these other times though when he can't think what the fuck is happening, and his eyes keep tearing up and those are the moments he hates

He feels so powerless now, it's like the smallest of things could crush him into pieces

He continues staring at himself in the bathroom mirror

He has cheek fat, and his eyes look like they are sucked in his head

Has he always been this fat he thinks as he pinches the skin on his stomach?

He hears the tap fill up the bathtub as he stares at himself

How do people deal with him? How is he not the most annoying thing they have known?

Is this why TXT hate him?

No one ever compliments him, and he knows that's petty to think but he wants people (mostly his brothers) to love him as much as he loves them

Even his fans don't love him

He's read things on Twitter which he doesn't want to remember

He needs to speak less and be less annoying

The water of the bathtub wakes him up from his thoughts

You know what? He isn't hungry today either

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so hey  
> I just wanted to say this fanfic mostly includes broken friendships and distance  
> So I rlly wanted to write smth which deals with falling out of love platonically and then maybe falling in love again 
> 
> A friendship if done right is the most beautiful bond of a person's life but sometimes those people drift apart while being together and it can lead to dire consequences mentally 
> 
> It could effect one person or maybe everyone involved in this friendship 
> 
> And I had a falling out with my best friend so I decided to incorporate it thro this fic 
> 
> By no means am I implying that depression could simply occur because of a falling out with your friends and depression om.this story is smth beomgyu had been suffering with before as well 
> 
> I will say this was an incident to trigger it 
> 
> Thank you for reading  
> Always open for cristism  
> Annie


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw- non graphic descriptions of self harm, suicidal thoughts

Beomgyu is fine 

Sure he blocked everyone on his phone and then called most of the people he blocked just to hear their voice because he was lonely but he was fine

He was good, dandy, happy and healthy well except he was a little lonely and a little sad and a little teary but beomgyu was fine 

FINE. 

Or maybe he wasn't fine, maybe months of helping everyone feel their best and putting himself at last was getting to him. He helped his brother when the guy was too tired to carry on, he consolled his mother when her and his father fought, he listened to his father when the man was at his worst and he always talked to his friends when they needed him

He did everything to not disappoint people. He lived with a stupid "don't cry" theory in his life

Crying meant showing emotions and showing emotions meant being fragile and being fragile meant giving people the opportunity to leave you when you need them

His mom always told him she didn't like it when he cried and he supposes thats right of her

No mother would like her child crying but he also blamed her, for she is the reason that he can't cry anymore 

Well maybe he can't completely blame her (truth is she isn't one to be blamed at all but Beomgyu would never admit how truly fucked up he is)

He was at a point where he had successfully fucked up every relationship he had 

His parents and brother had been disappointed, his team mates don't care and all his other friends are blocked 

(When did his team mates become just his team mates ?) 

Not that his friends cared either 

After all he was Choi Beomgyu 

The happy pill and he doesn't get sad

he knows he is the one who made that image for himself but he isn't telling anyone what he really does and the only person who knows ? Ha ! Beomgyu fucked it up with him too 

He has dialed Hyunjin's number 6th time now but the man won't pick up 

(Him and Beomgyu had a slight argument about Beomgyu not actually wanting to talk to him) 

That isn't it though 

Beomgyu has also fucked up the professional aspects of his life 

Beomgyu has been failing every single test and his home work hasn't been submitted in months

(He isn't lazy but staring blankly at the sky had gotten more entertaining lately) 

Tomorrow by together's dance instructor asked him if he was okay which for the record in a way be was 

Maybe he said something else too but he won't talk about it today

("You have given up haven't you ? You don't even try anymore. I saw a spark in you once beomgyu and I am sorry you lost it") 

And now at the end of the day 

Here he is

At the terrace 

All alone 

* * *

His legs dangled off at the railings as the cold air hit his face. A Beomgyu would have giggled, would have smiled and waved his hand but not this one 

This beomgyu looked down at where his feet were dangling and wondered what would happen if he fell 

Surely no one would care 

His parents were busy, his brother never actually cared unless the man wanted something, his team mates hardly cared (or maybe they did and Beomgyu can't see that)

Not to mention he had blocked every single person he knew 

Its amusing the amount the of things the fear of confrontation can do to a person 

> _The person you are trying to call is not picking up please try again later_

And there goes his seventh missed call to Hyunjin 

Hyunjin was the only one Beomgyu had trusted enough to tell of his 'condition' but the guy didn't pick up

Beomgyu laughs 

Slow steady laughter turned it faster more humorous one turned into a soft sound of sniffing 

_Pathetic_

He looks up at the dark sky and realizes that nothing except the moon is staring back at him 

Soobin Hyung always says that every time you see the moon it gives you a hope for a better Tomorrow, for a brighter day is always to follow 

Beomgyu supposes it didn't apply to people like him. The moon and him always had a special relationship 

Even when the moon disappeared and the bright rays of the sun made it impossible to open his eyes, the darkness of the night always remained 

Night with a full moon are so much worse than ones without it 

Darkness enables you to sense monsters and sure it frightening but the moon

Its illuminati glow allows you to see them and seeing your monsters is so much harder than sensing them 

(Its not like Beomgyu can always sense his own monster because maybe it lives inside him) 

He looks down and tries to stand on the railing 

It was a square and silver railing so the chances of slipping were low

He stumbles a few times as he stands but he makes it, he walks in a straight line across the terrace no caring if someone saw him 

He keeps walking on the railing until he reaches the front of their apartment building 

He is happy he can't see the moon now 

He looks at his phone to see if Hyunjin had replied yet or if any one noticed they were blocked and called him 

No one

No message 

_'You are a liability Beomgyu'_ he tells himself 

' _What part of it do you not understand'_

_'Hyunjin doesn't want to talk to you and everyone else hates you'_

_'How much of a coward are you?'_

_'Jump already'_

He tells himself out loud 

He looks at the city and smiles 

A genuine smile after so long 

He is about to put another step forward 

**No**

> " ~~ _Be strong and never let others be incharge of what you do"_~~

He tries to put it forward but its not use

He is terrified, he isn't ready yet 

He gets off the railing and goes to sit at the stairs in front of his and the member's apartment 

Whats that point of feeling like this all the time but not being able to die 

This is the third time this week he has tried to do this but he couldn't 

Why is it always him who is alone? He is there for his father when the guy was at his worst, he listened to his brother when the man needed to talk and he always comforted his mother when she fought with his dad 

He was their for his team mates everytime they faced an insecurity and he was there was his friends the moment they needed him but no one is ever there for him 

So here he is alone and trying to cry 

how he hates this feeling of being a step away from crying but never crying 

Its amusing how no one cares about him, his parents don't talk to him unless he calls first nor do they talk to him when he is in Deagu with them other than yelling at him 

He doesn't even remember the last time he hugged his father or kissed his mother or slept next to his brother 

Well honestly he doesn't remember the last time he hugged anyone 

He remembers when he was young and he wanted to cry but his mother would yell at him for that

Maybe that's why he doesn't cry anymore 

Or show vulnerability 

He calls taehyun this time and the guys surprisingly picks up 

Beomgyu calms his shaking leg and shivering hands to talk 

(When did that started happening) 

"Hey Taehyun-ah" 

"Beomgyu hyung ?" Came the groggy and sleepy voice of the young boy sleeping hardly twenty steps away from him 

"Taehyun-ah did I leave my jacket in your room?"

Liar.

The jacket is on the terrace 

"No beomie hyung but why care at like 11 pm ? We have one day to sleep and then we won't get time till next month to have a proper 8 hours long sleep. You should got to bed gyu" Beomgyu ignored the lack of honorific and smiles 

Atleast he cares a little 

"Its cool Taehyunie I'll sleep in awhile, don't worry" 

"Okay good night i guess and Do Not Annoy Me Again" he says in a serious and actually annoyed voice which surprised beomgyu but atleast the guy cared a little 

He for once actually listened to the advice and decided to go to bed 

He got to his room and saw Soobin laying down sleeping

"Oh thank god" he said to himself 

11:17 am the clock read 

* * *

> * * *

> **12:03 am**
> 
> **12:30 am**
> 
> **1:40 am**
> 
> **2:07 am**

Okay this is it 

He has been looking at the clock for the past three hours and he just feels worse 

Infact he feels so shaky that his leg hasn't stopped shaking and his hands were just vibrating at this point 

He got off the bunk tipping his toes into the bathroom 

While going to the bathroom he borrowed a pencil set which belonged to huening kai he thinks

He opens the pencil set and find the brand new sharpener in it 

_promise me you won't do it again gyu_

Words are useless and promises are made to be broken 

"Sorry Soobin hyung" he whispers 

He takes a hair clip out of the dress and breaks it in half 

From the broken half he opens the screw of the sharpener and takes out the blade 

Why does he have to go through this?

If he makes this cut then everything he has worked for a year will go down hill 

He will ruin all his progress and no one will understand 

His family's too disappointed and too busy 

He fucked up at school and in the company 

His band members hate him 

His friends don't care

Neither do Moa 

So maybe he can't fuck up further 

He has just finally realized that he does not hold value 

Okay maybe he realized that years ago but now he sees why no one ever stays 

He is a fucking liability 

He presses the thin line of the blade against the skin of his thigh and waits till it draws blood

There it is 

The first step into his road of destruction 

* * *

> **Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just 2000 words of my week's summary and I just made this book my diary 
> 
> Anyways tell me what you all think about the chapter and I hope you have a beautiful day
> 
> Annie


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beomgyu messes up with the only person who cared

So Hyunjin calls the next day and Apologizes for not picking up, he had said he was having dinner with his family who had come to town for a week

(Beomgyu knew he lied because his family had left two days ago) 

Beomgyu lied too, he likes to believe its because he didn't want to worry the older though maybe he feels ashamed and a little too selfish to speak his feelings 

Now that he looks back on the past week, he wonders if he had been too sensitive or too much of an self victimizing bitch in other words 

People deal with so much worse than what he is going through that starts to complain?

He reminds himself of how ungrateful he is for having the audacity to feel hurt but even the reminder of his own selfishness doesn't change the heavy and empty feeling in his chest 

Even with his heart and mind not even bothering to listen and his empty hands longing to be held, he makes sure everything goes back to normal 

Well as normal as it can get 

He misses the feeling of a hand against his own. He misses the feeling of being held and feeling protected, he just feels so safe in the embrace of the members that nowadays he feels exposed 

Like the layer which is supposed to be keeping him warm is no longer there and thats true 

The most important part of him had decided he wasn't good enough for them   
(At least that's what he thought)

Soobin hyung hardly complimented him nowadays even though the both of them still fought like children 

He misses the warmth the leaders gives the rest of the members 

He wants to be praised and deemed worthy of being a part of the band by at least their leader but even that is too much to ask 

He also wants Yeonjun's attention again. Before debut and even sometimes after it, the man would baby the hell out of him but now ? He hardly talks to him outside of work

Everytime Beomgyu needs him, he has a more important priority 

All Beomgyu ever wanted to be someone's priority or at least to be loved and he had that for years with tomorrow by together but now those years were crumbling and he could only watch as he ruined himself 

Taehyun has always been complicated 

Their relationship was always of friends rather than dongsaeng and hyung. He could truly open up to Taehyun about everything 

He remembers in the first year of high school he was so scared about having his first kiss until Taehyun gave him the idea of practicing with fruits 

Sure it wasn't the best idea but he could always go to taehyun to talk about things like this 

Now though, he can't help but feel like a burden 

Its not Taehyun's fault that Beomgyu is uninteresting and the older understands that 

A part of him knows that if he will go into any of the members rooms with teary eyes and a bunch of insecurities to spill, none of them would turn him down and in fact, would welcome him with open but then again, He doesn't want them to think of him as an attention seeker

He is so sick and tired of feeling like a burden on everyone yet he can't stop being a nuisance 

He guesses Huening kai has always been his baby 

Beomgyu tries to protect him from all harm in the world yet he can see that the younger is starting to get annoyed 

Its obvious he doesn't deem Beomgyu worthy of giving advice and could you blame him? 

Beomgyu was the last one to make it in the band and hardly holds value 

How could he deem the older worthy of giving advice? 

He is willing to do anything for the members to love or at least start tolerating him again but maybe now its too late 

* * *

"Hey gyu, you got a minute?" 

Beomgyu was little startled by this voice because usually no one else came to terrace

Their own balcony had plenty of space so it was weird seeing someone else come to the terrace and especially to talk to him ? 

At this point being kicked out of the band won't surprise him 

He turns around to see Yeonjun standing there wearing a long black coat probably because of the cold winds and a face mask 

It was quite the opposite if Beomgyu who was wearing a very oversized shirt whose material was clearly not meant for the weather 

It looked cozy but the wind was very easily passing through it making Beomgyu shiver quite often 

He frowns seeing his older hyung standing in front of him 

Why had the man wanted to talk to him ? 

"Yeah I guess" he said as he got off the bench on the terrace 

His tone was so dull that Yeonjun had to take a double take to confirm that this was the same Beomgyu who'd jump up and down while getting a glass of water 

Maybe he was just maturing 

"So how have you been lately?" The older asked walking closer to Beomgyu and gestured for him to sit again 

Beomgyu thought for a moment as he looked at the dark blue sky 

There were hardly any stars yet but the few which were there were quite bright 

"I've been fine" he said look at his lap as he played with his sweater paws 

He had never been this uncomfortable with Yeonjun 

"Thats good" yeonjun said with a smile as he finally took a look at Beomgyu's features

He has huge dark circles which was a shock because the boy loved naps 

(Though yeonjun can even remember the last time he saw the boy take a nap) 

His lips were rough and torn as if he constantly bites them and now that the make up was off, he coukd see plenty of pimples on the boys skin 

"Hyung why are you looking at me like that ?" Beomgyu asked 

"Nothing gyu but are you sure ? You have been distant lately and to mention your performance has been terrible" Yeonjun said with a sigh 

He had talked about it with the rest of the members and beomgyu had been lazy lately 

He won't talk to them alot and hardly gave his 40% in practice or well atleast his face 

Even when his dance and vocals were on point, his face expressions looked bland 

"I have been distant ?" Beomgyu asked unable to hide his shock

He was surprised after so many tries of him wanting the members to talk to him 

He was the one who gave up

"Well i-" yeonjun tried to speak 

"No Yeonjun hyung I am get it, I'll work harder now. Thanks for telling me where I was messing up" 

"Gyu no listen i didn't mean it that way just- That's NOT THAT POINT" yeonjun screamed the last part but it was too late 

Beomgyu had already exited the terrace and even if the younger had heard the pink haired boy he didn't come back to reply 

"Fuck fuck Fuck!" Yeonjun scream as he held his face into his hands

He wanted to have a good heart to heart with his younger brother but he failed

He could hardly talk to him for ten seconds 

What is wrong with him ? 

Why does he keep failing at being a good older brother ?

He knows he should have ran after Beomgyu but there is always a tomorrow 

He'll talk to Beomgyu tomorrow and he'll fix whatever mess he just made 

* * *

Beomgyu hastily made his way out of their dorms as his breathing became heavier and more concentrated 

He supposes he is over reacting in more than one way 

If he were to be completely honest, he is using the members not caring about him as an excuse to justify whatever he is feeling right now

He misses the feeling of genuine happiness but he has no reason to not be happy and thats probably why he blames the members sometimes 

He has always had a reason for everything in life, so now suddenly not having a reason for his own feelings was scary 

He had always been a perfectionist 

Taking out flaws in himself faster than he did in others and with that came a feeling of fear that everyone will leave him

He doesn't have alot of things people should stay with him for either so he won't blame them even though he really would want to

In a way he'd say he's lonely and its solely his fault that he is

It feels like its him who makes himself miserable but then settles into blaming others 

Beomgyu is probably the perfect example of self orchestrated misery 

Everytime he gets close to someone the fear of losing them makes him drive them away and it was so hard to not do that with the rest of TXT 

But then his fears ended up becoming the reality as they were the ones who no longer want him 

He often takes death as an option to tale him out of his misery but its still so terrifying 

The idea of dying and that what makes it so much worse

How could someone be willing to do such a terrifying thing to themselves? 

How could he be that someone ? 

He doesn't know how to deal with it anymore 

* * *

He stops walking after one hour when he is at a place he had never seen before 

Its a small abandoned park with broken swings scattered around 

He sees a child 

A tiny small child sitting on a broken swing 

He had black hair and pretty black eyes with completely torn black clothes 

The older was slightly concerned because of how bruised the child was 

Despite his tears and runny nose, he goes near that child and sits on the muddy ground, not having ability to care about his clothes 

"Hey kiddo" he says as after five minutes of awkward silence between the two 

The boy doesn't seem to phased 

"I am choi Beomgyu I live somewhere near here" he has no idea why he is telling this stuff to a small child he had never seen before 

He sighs as the boy doesn't give him another response 

"Not much of a talker are you ?" Beomgyu asked with a small chuckle

The boy looked at him and frowned upon seeing his red eyes 

Beomgyu felt like he owed him an explanation for some reason 

"Yeah I fought with my older brother kinda I guess" he said and waited for the boy to say something 

After not getting a response for about two more minutes he asked him where his parents were 

Still no response 

Beomgyu must admit this kid looked like him 

Alot like him that it was concerning 

He looks at the boy once again and tears fill his eyes on the bruises 

How could someone hurt a child so tiny ? 

Why were there so many scars on this tiny and innocent child 

Why is the world so cruel to people who haven't done anything to it ? 

He had never seen someone look this broken before 

It was scary and saddening at the same time 

He looks at the broken swing again only to find the boy not here anymore

"Wait what the fuck ?" He asks himself out loud

"Kid where are you ?" He screams as he looks around for the chikd but he isn't around 

He looks for him for half an hour more but is too no avail 

So very reluctantly he sits on the broken swing hoping it won't completely fall and waits 

He waits for the boy to maybe comeback until his phone rings 

  
_**Big hit's cutie** _

  
Huening kai

Of course its him, the boy had always been way too kind for his own good even though he was seeing the lack of worth in Beomgyu now

_"Oh my god Hyung where are you ? Do you have any idea how worried we all are ? You just ran away without any information and its been two hours"_

"I am fine kai" he says a little annoyed 

_"You clearly aren't now tell me when you'll be back"_

"Would you shut up kai ?" 

No no no no no Beomgyu 

Wrong thing shut up 

He should not have said that 

_"What hyung? Here i am worrying about you and you just ask me to shut up?"_

"Did I ask for your worry? No I didn't, so stop being a bitch about it"

Not a good idea 

Reverse delete cut anything just don’t say this 

_"Wow hyung, whats gotten into you ? Can't you see that we as your band mates care?"_

"Well I don't and you are trying say you care? You clearly don't give a fuck about me but that's okay because neither do I"

He says the word "you" with such spite that it makes huening kai want to cry because how could his lovely hyung just be so mean ? 

_"Look hyung I am sorry for whatever we did but I need for you to tell me where are you"_

"I don't want too, now leave me alone"   
Beomgyu really tries his hardest not to choke on his tears right now 

He doesn't want the younger to know he is crying 

Everytime someone tries to fix him, he just ruins it with them 

Maybe its out of fear of losing them or maybe it's out of belief that he doesn't deserve them 

Kai is an angel and he just fucked it up 

_"You know what hyung? Taehyun-ah's right, you are a piece of work. Come back whenever you want, I don't care anymore"_

With the Huening cuts the line 

The moment the black haired boy sensed that the line was dead he burst out in uncontrollable sobs

How could he fuck up so bad ? 

Why does he keep driving everyone who loves him away 

No no no huening kai was probably the only member who still gave a shit and Beomgyu fucked it up with him too

He fucks up every thing, there is obviously something very wrong with him 

He continues to cry by the swing wondering what he will do next 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo tell me how you all feel about this chapter and this hasn't been edited yet 
> 
> Annie


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beomgyu comes home and soobin deals with some terrifying reactions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very short but I wanted it to be a separate one because this story is gonna fall waaaaay into its rising action

He does end up coming home after two hours 

The feeling of walking inside the dorms as Soobin looked at him with his spiteful eyes 

His eyes were still red from tears and his face was very pale because of the coldness of the weather though his cheeks were tainted from a shade of pink because of his tears and inability to breath as he cried 

"Beomgyu ?" He heard Soobin hyung say to him as he squeezed his eyes shut hoping the older wasn't to mad 

He didn't want to open his mouth because he knows his voice will come out cracked 

So he goes to sit next to soobin as the older stares him down 

The glare of the blue haired boy made Beomgyu want to disappear forever 

"You made Huening kai cry today"

With that one line Beomgyu could feel his heart breaking into even tinier pieces than it was before 

He hurt Huening Kai ? 

He is such a monster 

"Yeonjun hyung really tries to talk to you" 

Beomgyu knows he did but he couldn't sit through a talk about his emotions which will show the world exactly how toxic and selfish he is 

"Beomgyu look at me" Soobin said as he held both of Beomgyu's hands and knelt on the ground hoping to see into Beomgyu's eyes as the younger continued to look in his lap 

"I don't know whatever the fuck is up with you right now but you need to fix it. Your behavior is breaking the band apart" 

He is breaking the band apart 

Everytime he is at edge of self destruction, its this band who save him but now? He is the one destructing it

How can he be selfish enough to break the very people who keep him sane 

"Gyu, I want you to talk to me. I really really do but if you aren't going to then this can't go on. We are supposed to be together but you keep distancing yourself from us" 

He wasn't distancing himself 

He had heard them talk about how annoying he can be and how much they would love space 

He was just giving them space so they won't leave him 

"I am sorry" he says with a shaky voice as more tears threaten to slip out 

Soobin face forms into one of sympathy and confusion 

"Why are you sorry gyu ?" The older asks 

"I don't know" Beomgyu says that mantra starts repeating itself in his mind 

"I am sorry but I dont know" he continues saying the words as tears completely spilled out of his eyes 

His breathing became heavy and his hands started shaking from where Soobin was holding them 

It was safe to say this situation completely shocked Soobin and he even as a TXT's leader did not know what to do 

So he worked on his instinct 

Beomgyu cried as soobin took off his coat and he cried as soobin removed his shoes and socks 

He cried harder when Soobin made him sit on his lap and even harder when soobin told him it will be fine 

"Its not going to be fine" he told the older 

"It'll just get worse" he continued as the older shushed quietly 

Beomgyu had never been hugged this hard in his life 

Slowly his loud wailing turned into soft cries and his shaky breaths calmed into an almost normal pace and his hands almost stopped shivering too 

It took a total of one hour off Soobin whispering sweet nothings into his ear for him to calm down

"You wanna go to bed baby gyu ?" Soobin asked gently as Beomgyu nodded against the skin of the older's neck 

Soobin picked Beomgyu up and started climbing up the stairs quietly whispering a "I'll tell you later" too Yeonjun's confused glance 

Yeonjun being the understanding person he is nodded 

"Gyu do you want to sleep with Hyung tonight?" He asked the boy as he laid him out in the bottom bunk 

"Yes please" Beomgyu said with small voice and Soobin almost cooed if it wasn't for the circumstances 

Soobin smiled and laid next to him in the bed that barely fit the both of them

"Beomgyu we are going to talk about this tomorrow okay ?" Soobin said sternly looking into Beomgyu's eyes before putting the younger head on his chest 

"Hmmn" the younger hummed half a sleep which make soobin smile 

It was such a scary day 

Beomgyu's tears and the shear brokenness in his eyes 

Soobin had never experienced something more terrifying before 

He doesn't know how he'll tell the rest about this episode Beomgyu had or how he'll deal with Beomgyu Tomorrow but as tomorrow by together's leader he won't fail them 

Ever.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here i give you a happy and fluffy chapter cause shit is about to hit the fan soon 
> 
> Y'all are either gonna hate txt or Beomgyu but you are gonna hate someone 
> 
> Annie


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soobin talks to txt and taehyun might have rushed things a little too much 
> 
> That might or might not have some negative side effects on Beomgyu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to switch up the pov a little so the first half is mostly soobin's and the member's pov but the moment Beomgyu enters it slowly starts shifting to his 
> 
> The first part of the chapter ends in taehyun's pov and after that its pretty simple since its Beomgyu's pov
> 
> Also read the author's note in the end, I have some questions and a little bit of my update schedule for this

After witnessing Beomgyu's break down, it was safe to say that Choi Soobin was in fact no okay 

He had no idea of what he was going to do next. At moments like these he envied people like RM sunbaenim or Suho sunbaenim. Naturally they would be able to get through situations like these. He has never considered himself leader material before debut anyways and much like most people, he too assumed Yeonjun Hyung would be better fit as a leader 

Though after countless assurances from him teammates and managers, he had agreed to take on the leader role 

He supposed he isn't one to assert dominance and he would hardly be considered an Alpha male but according to the rest of Tomorrow by Together he was the "nurturing" type of leader 

(He assumes its their way to tell him that he mothers them 24/7) 

He had rightly been given the title of the mother of the group but he isn't too sure anymore because aren't mothers supposed to know how their children feel?

How could he not have known that Beomgyu was having panic attacks let alone be the cause of one?

He looked at his sleeping little brother and smiled, he hadn't seen the younger look this peaceful in a long time now 

"Gyu-ah, baby bear you gotta wake up now" he said as he gently shook the younger boy 

He was scared of shaking too hard because a part of him was still shaken from the events of yesterday 

After about a complete two minutes of trying to wake the younger up, soobin decided to let the little boy sleep 

"He must be tired" soobin muttered to himself and decided to go downstairs 

He went downstairs walking slowly knowing well that his steps must be anticipated 

He went to their kitchen/living room and found all the members sitting there 

Huening kai was playing Mario cart 

He wonders if people still play that and why do they still play that 

Taehyun was sitting on the couch doing his homework as he looked at his homework from an unnecessarily close distance 

When will this kid realize this will harm his eyesight ? 

Yeonjun hyung was trying to cook break fast very desperately but Soobin could already smell the burnt pancakes 

It was amusing the way the five of them co-existed, they hardly gave mind to eachother's activities yet they were always together 

Its these moments of silence that he loves the most, when all of the members sit together and do their own thing but the warmth of their presence assures his heart its going to be okay 

Perhaps that's what allowed him to take care of Beomgyu last night without having his own breakdown seeing his happy little friend crying like that 

It was probably the surety that after waking up he'll see these four faces again and that gives him enough strength to move on 

"Soobin hyung, I know we are beautiful but you have been staring at us for ten minutes. Are you okay ?" A certain 18 year old blonde asked him as he frowned 

"Yeah I am fine Tyun, also keep your face further from the notebook you're gonna damage your eyes" he said as he walked towards the couch and flicked the younger's forehead before sitting 

The younger let out a whine at the hit and proceeded to glare at the taller 

Tiny things sure are scary 

"So who wants pancakes ?" Yeonjun hyung asked them with a awkward and excited smile 

"Look Yeonjun Hyung, we refuse to eat burnt pancakes" Huening kai said internally shivering because of how terrible the pancakes looked 

Huening Kai couldn’t believe Yeonjun Hyung just ruined his favorite food 

"But don't you guys love me ?" The pink haired boy asked with a pout 

"Well not enough to eat that shit" Taehyun said and got up to get some cereal and milk for himself 

Yeonjun Hyung sighed and proceeded to throw the pancakes in the dustbin because even he refused to eat that 

"So how was sleep Soobin ?" 

The older asked and honestly Soobin didn't what he should say 

He knew Yeonjun was avoiding asking directly about Beomgyu but he wasn't it mood to play in circles today. Last night had been scary enough 

"Beomgyu cried" he said without thinking 

Its the only two words he could think of which didn't sound too exaggerated and still gave everyone the chance to catch onto his words 

"Why? He was the one who made me cry" said Huening kai with a scowl

In a way Soobin assumes he gets to be mad and usually Soobin would console him and tell him that Beomgyu didn't mean it but right now there was a much bigger issue to tackle 

"It was bad kai, he cried for two hours none stop and he couldn't be breath. It was terrifying" Soobin voice almost shook as he spoke which further worried the members 

"Do you know why he cried ?" Yeonjun asked giving a very calm and collected response 

It was rare to see this side of him. When his "Cool Hyung' persona leaves and he becomes this worried oldest brother who knows what to do and when to do it 

"He kept saying he is sorry again and again and I swear to God Hyung it was terrifying. I was so scared he'll break, I-i didn't know what to do and he kept crying. I have never seen Beomgyu cry like that, heck I didn't even know any one could cry like that. He looked so broken it was scary"

the blue haired boy tried to say as his voice cracked multiple times and tears formed in his eyes

Everyone in the room was way to shocked to speak that after this they sat quietly for what seemed like eternity as nothing other with Soobin's shaky breaths was audible 

They all wondered how bad Beomgyu's break down had to be to leave Soobin their fearless leader who got them through everything so shaken up 

"Do you think it was a panic attack ?" Taehyun broke the suffocating silence in a monotone voice

"Without a doubt and from the looks of it, I don't think it was the first time either"

Soobin now spoke in a much more composed voice which he believes he should have spoken in since the beginning 

He can't be weak for his bandmates, he is the leader for god's sake, he needs to be responsible not being the responsibility of others 

"Wow" Huening kai said after another round if awkward silence 

"I never expected a panic attack from Beomgyu hyung you know ? He's always happy and calm, he is always the one to help us with our emotional bullshit and it's hard to imagine that he might have it too" Huening kai continued talking to no one on particular 

Soobin smiled

Ofcourse it wasn't always Beomgyu helping or being the biggest help but he hadn't ever needed anything in return 

It made Soobin sad that Beomgyu could be going through something and none of them knew 

It isn't that panic attack is a taboo of sorts for them or anything but the fact it was Beomgyu 

Childishly annoying choi Beomgyu 

Mood maker Beomgyu 

Happy go lucky Beomgyu who had a panic attack is what makes it scary

None of them knew how to deal with that, in the six years they had known eachother, Beomgyu almost never needed to be taken care off and call them bad friends if you must but its just hard to imagine someone like Beomgyu to need help 

Sure this one time years ago there had been an incidence with Beomgyu and Soobin in which Soobin had forced Beomgyu to make a promise but they were over that 

Both of them had sworn to never talk about it again as long as Beomgyu doesn't do it again 

Perhaps that wasn't a good choice at all 

"Guys we fucked up didn't we ?" Taehyun asked as he looked at the rest of them 

Their silence was enough of an answer for him to accept 

Their silence was interrupted by the sound of steps that could only be Beomgyu's 

They all stared at him as he got down the stairs 

He looked tired and thin, very thin actually. How had they not noticed how thin he was 

"Hey" he said feeling shy of all of their stares

"Hey gyu listen, do you want to go back home ?" Taehyun asks as he gets the biggest looks of betrayal from the rest of tomorrow by together 

He looks at them with a calm look and signaled them to stop

He would himself admit that it was very out of the blue for him to ask that and maybe he was rushing things but right now that wasn't his biggest concern 

"Excuse me ?" Beomgyu asked in shock 

Did the rest want to get rid of him ? Is that how much of a burden he had become 

"Gyu baby listen, we genuinely think that you need space and what better way to give you space than allow you to go live with your parents for a while" Taehyun continued dropping an affectionate nick name in an attempt to calm everything down 

"I guess it isn't a bad idea" in hindsight Beomgyu didn't seem to hate this idea 

Plus he had wanted to meet his parents for a while now, maybe it won't go so badly 

(Maybe his heart genuinely hurt because of the fact no one wanted him but he won't say that) 

"Great then, I'll go talk to the manager and you can go pack your stuff" 

This was perfect for Taehyun 

Now he gets time to think of ways to fix it with Beomgyu while the older gets some time off of the rigorous activities tomorrow by together had to do 

Thank god Beomgyu didn't take him the wrong way 

He slowly moves out the room as Soobin and yeonjun follow him 

If Beomgyu heard the scoldings of both of the older members he didn't confront Taehyun 

A little bit of scolding was okay because he did end up convincing Yeonjun and Soobin to let Beomgyu go to his parent's house

* * *

He ends up leaving for his parent's house the next week 

The managers after hearing about his "panic attack" and alot of Soobin's lectures of mental health had agreed to send him to his parents for a month 

When he had left, all the members had come out to hug him and tell him that they love him 

He still couldn't believe they wanted to get rid of him but he supposes that's justified. He knows despite the deep assurances no one would actually be willing to listen to him

Huening kai had even apologized for being rude to him and it had taken every thing in Beomgyu not to breakdown crying right then 

He instead hugged Huening kai and told the younger that he could never simply be mad at him 

Taehyun had given him the warmest and tightest hug he had ever received and yeonjun hyung had kissed his forehead as to assure him it would be okay

Soobin hyung had also hugged him and whispered sweet nothings into his ears as he tightly tied the bracelet the older had given Beomgyu on his last birthday on his wrist

Beomgyu could really see that they were trying but he didn't know how long that would last 

(All good things end as soon as they begin in his life) 

Everyone gets tired of him eventually and a part of him had always known txt would too 

* * *

The first time Beomgyu had supposedly ghosted everyone had been to get someone to notice something was wrong 

The second time he does it, its to stop being a nuisance 

The second time is when he decides he is nothing but a fragment of annoyance in the lives of those around him and so he decided to completely remove himself from the picture 

He is subtle this time 

He doesn't wildly leave all social media apps but instead he chooses to slowly distance himself 

He stops meeting his friends, he stops calling them and waits for a response to justify his actions 

He justifies his action with a "I want to spend more time with my parents lately" or "just been a little tired" 

And honestly it gets him through well enough 

Though the rest of txt still call him and yeonjun always messaged him to talk about the most pointless of things 

If he were to be honest, the older was one of the only things getting him through life right now

He decided simply leaving group chats wasn't enough 

He was still a bother in people's lives. In a way he can assume he talks to them even when they don't want to 

Why they want to anyways ? 

He isn't someone special or fun to talk to 

If anything he is annoying, sensitive and only talks about himself 

With tomorrow by together, well he didn't talk to them alot either 

Everyday phone calls from huening kai stopped after the first week or the small text messages of good mornings which he can only assume will stop soon too 

(He only ever bothered messaging Yeonjun because the Loneliness had been getting to his head) 

He has started playing this game of misery with himself 

He's delete his messaging app but download it again every hour to check if someone had called or messaged him and then proceed to delete everything again 

Loneliness now was getting to him better than it had ever before. Without the rest of tomorrow by together, he didn't even see anyone all day and he was more effected by that than he'll ever admit 

He had spent the last two weeks laying on his bed , hardly eating and scrolling through Twitter as he sees thousands of moa wishing him to get well soon while other moa complained how he was holding the team down 

He agrees with that, he was in fact holding the team down. If it hadn't been for him the team wouldn't need to perform without a member, redo choreographies or sing lines not even their own 

It must be hard for them while all he did was sit on the bed and literally do nothing 

Other than Twitter he hardly went on his phone, lately he sought no interest in the internet or entertaining himself through Netflix 

He instead chose to spend his days staring at the ceiling wondering what the fuck is he gonna do next 

Life had been playing with him in circles lately 

He doesn't even know if he is getting better or worse 

On one hand he didn't feel sad all the time anymore but on the other hand he didn't feel anything anymore 

If he were to tell someone about how he feels would they even be able to help him or is he finally ahead the point of no return 

Perhaps death is his only salvation

Its been 36 hours of no human interaction even on text at all 

His parents won't come home till tomorrow and the lack of interaction in his life was quite literally driving him insane 

Sure he doesn't talk alot but atleast he has atleast one text from someone in a day which is enough to assure him that someone cares 

But right now he can hardly care about being a burden 

He needs to talk to someone just for the sake of talking to someone 

These four white plain walls with hardly any stains had done too much damage already 

He opened his phone and send a quick text to yeonjun in hopes of the older male knowing how to move forward with the conversation 

> _Hey_
> 
> _Did you read the lyrics I sent you yesterday?_

He didn't even care about the lyrics at all, he just wanted to divert his mind from his insecurities for once 

> _Yeah_
> 
> _I read the lyrics and ngl they were_ _really really good_

He knows yeonjun is lying. His lyrics probably weren't good at all but the pink haired boy is just trying to be nice 

> _Awww thanks I am glad you liked the lyrics_

Does that sound to cringy ? Are their too many w's after the aw ? Should he have just written a thank you? Does just thanks sound too vague ? 

> _Welcome_

If he wasn't sure before he is now, Yeonjun hyung does not want to continue the conversation at all 

He is clearly busy and still took the effort to text Beomgyu when the younger doesn't even deserve it 

> _Hehe_

He almost tries to continue the conversation but he knows Yeonjun isn't interested so he stops 

> _Anyways gyu, gotta go bin's calling_

Obviously the older wasn't interested in the first place. Beomgyu can't believe that even after knowing how annoying he is, he could still disturb yeonjun Hyung 

> _Bye._

After that he shuts down his phone and doesn't open it again till the next morning 

* * *

Beomgyu likes to believe that he has a certain ability to ruin everything 

After three more days of isolation he had decided to rejoin the groups and attempt at socializing again because maybe talking to people was the distraction he had needed 

It was just so tiring lately 

Every bone in his body hurt and everything just felt dull. Even moments of happiness were cut short when he was reminded he doesn’t deserve happiness 

Joining the groups had been a decision which had been hard to take though it had been made in a split second, it had been a scary decision 

Perhaps he joined the groups solely because of the fear of having to tell why he left them in the first place 

Honestly he would tell the reason if he knew what the reason was 

He was just tired of being an annoyance for every one and if there was another reason he doesn't know 

Its scary in a way he can't define 

Being alone that is 

Here in Daegu he is surrounded by servents and his family most of the time and even then its lonely

  
(Except the 36 hours he saw no one when his parents were out. That was terrifying) 

  
Being lonely with so many people around you all the time is terrifying 

He supposes his thoughts are that of self pity and maybe he isn't as bad as he thinks he is 

Maybe he is just seeking attention or any sort of human contact which makes him feel important but when he finally enables himself to get that contact 

He fucks up 

The first thing he did after entering the group chats was ruin it

He made the mood so utterly toxic and just ruined what ever chance of a happy conversation there might be

Its laughable how problematic he can get 

Sometimes when TXT do try to make it work with him, he just wants to tell them to give up 

He wants to tell them how fucked up he is and that he does in fact ruin every thing 

Things go well for a few months and in those few months he makes friends and is genuinely happy but then his mood starts changing like seasons change and he is left alone again after carefully making every person who cared hate him 

And now that he is back in the group chats with them, he can already see what a nuisance he is

How can he manage to clearly see the disdain of all of his school mates towards him in less than 30 mins of being added again is beyond him 

He has changed alot in the past two weeks and three days

He has become more irritable, defensive and problematic

He believes its the loneliness driving him crazy 

The scariest part of whatever it happening in his life is that there is not one person that he can talk to 

So on the same day, he does leave all the group chats again, does delete all social media apps again and does ignore all of his friends again 

Its a circle and traveling in a circle has no end

If only he could find another path

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I am really sorry if this chapter seems rushed because i'll admit the first half is very rushed but I didn't want to spend more chapters on the rising action 
> 
> I am assuming I'll do about two more chapters with the rising action and then reach the climax 
> 
> I'll hope fully publish the next chapter by the first week of December or smth and I'll try to sort of fill in the gaps and plot holes i made in this chapter 
> 
> I am honestly very disappointed with this chapter so I might edit this later
> 
> Anyways so beomgyu pretty much went deeper into whatever is up with him and txt sre completely clueless 
> 
> I know deleting social media apps doesn't seem like a big deal but when we take into account t that that's Beomgyu's only medium of talking to anyone at all its kind of big 
> 
> Anygays I had a bad week so I made Beomgyu have a worse one because I am evil 
> 
> I honestly dont wanna rush the story too much but I dont wanna make it too big either so I am planning on ending thus book by the first or second week of January at most or I could possibly end it by Christmas, tell me what you guys want me to do 
> 
> Also guys do you want the next chapter to be in the member's pov or do you want .pretty in on what's going on with gyu ?
> 
> And thats it 
> 
> Stay safe  
> -annie


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beomgyu's chain of thoughts leads to him having to deal with a panic attack alone followed by a night of reminiscing the past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning - panic attacks, mentioned self harm, suicidal thoughts

So it took him 36 more hours of re-downloading and deleting every social media app he had to break again 

It was a surprise how all it took was a call from yeonjun Hyung to make him feel better 

They ended up talking for an hour In which the older made him feel better 

In a way he supposes he annoyed the older (bothered would be a better word) 

But it was okay

He finally downloaded Kakao talk again and had little hope of everything going well 

* * *

You don't even care 

He looks at the screen with tear filled eyes as his breathing goes ragged 

He cares, he really cares but its hard to appear to care when he can hardly muster up sentences 

He'll admit he has ignored his friends, blocked them and most definitely been rude to them but he can't help it anymore 

He doesn't want to be rude but it's so easy to be annoyed and irritated 

Its like anger is the only thing he feels and its tiring now 

Life is tiring now 

Nothing Is going right anymore and everything hurts. Perhaps today is the day he genuinely fucked up or maybe he did fuck up a long time ago 

He knows he hurt people and he can't fix that because he knows he'll keep hurting them. Sometimes, he just wants to remove himself from their lives

I get that you are going through stuff but so it everyone else

He looked at another message on his screen. Its not that he did something too bad 

No 

He ignored his friends and they are mad about that and thats justified but he doesn't have an explanation anymore. What is he even supposed to say ? How can one put feelings like these into words 

The constant feeling of nervousness and fear and the constancy of being suffocated was so scary

His ragged breaths continued as he sat on his bed and hoped his parents arent going to be back for another hour 

This was too much 

Too much and he doesn't even know what's happening 

He doesn't blame his friends or family but it feels too much 

He gets up from his bed and slowly walks towards the bathroom in his room as his hands still shake 

He slowly takes off his clothes genuinely feeling exposed 

He turns on the cold shower

The water was cold like unbelievably freezing cold to the point Beomgyu almost shivered 

He quickly back away from the shower and sat on the bathroom floor now fully wet and naked 

He shivered more because of the cold water 

(He also shivered because of not having enough air to breath but he won't Admit that) 

He sat there for what felt like hours till the water stuck to his body dried and the past ragged breaths calmed themselves 

The aching heavy feeling in his heart was small enough to be ignored as the doorbell rang multiple times. 

His parents should be home now

He went out the bathroom after putting his clothes on. At this point he was too tired to find a new pair of clothes and just picked up what he had perviously worn

He went outside the room to open the door after dropping a quick message to one of his friends to be added back to the group chats

He knows people can't accept him at his worst because maybe that was just too miserable and if thats the case he won't mind pretending to be fine 

Everyone is going through stuff and he needs to just suck it up 

* * *

  
If he were to be honest he didn't know what he did but everything felt empty. Instead of just himself every relationship in his life felt hollow most times 

Talking to his friends or team mates makes his heartbeat rise and breathing become irregular and suffocating feeling makes him want to genuinely stop all contact together 

On the second day of his return to social media he genuinely fucked up 

Another argument started just because of him, heck if it hadn't been for him none of this would have happend yet he ruins everything 

He builds arguments, fights and disagreements out of absolutely nothing. He was just disgusting

It was so tiring the way he can't keep relationships going

If it was one person he messed up with he'd understand it wasn't his fault, if it were two people he messed up with it still won't be his fault but if its every person in his life who eventually gets tired of him or is actually driven away by Beomgyu

He knows it his fault 

Something is wrong with him 

Honestly no one out effort in talking to him anymore and yes thats what he wanted but perhaps it wasn't what he needed 

Loniliness hurts so much 

Everything hurts so much 

Sometimes his heart would hurt so much that he couldn't regulate his breathing and a pure feeling ot fear would over take him for every thing that he was 

Sure he was being angsty and perhaps he was over reacting too but he was now at a genuine point where his own senses won't make him feel okay 

Having to be awake for hours before being able to sleep because overthinking overtakes your mind is hard 

Begging himself to allow himself to cry because his mind was broken in more than one way was hard 

Everything was so god damn hard 

After everything which had taken place this week he was tired 

Tomorrow by together all thought he didn't care because he ignored them for two weeks 

All his school friends probably hated him for starting countless useless arguments and just being flat out awful to everyone 

How could he ever be so mean? 

What happend to the him which wasn't capable of being mean to a fly ? 

Why did he change so much? Heck how did he change so much 

Sitting on his bed as he struggled to breath in the most desperate manner—how had he gotten here again? 

He tries to cry desperately but he couldn't

He genuinely gasped for air in the dark. The utter darkness of his room only added to his built up anxiety. He couldn't even see the pillow he was holding on his chest 

Perhaps he was happy with the fact that even the walls couldn't see his pitiful condition 

He slowly got his hands to his face and held his face as breathing became harder. His breathing was ragged even when he tried to calm it. He got up hands shaking as he looked around the room to find a blade 

He took out the broken hairclip and took out another sharpener 

It would be quite laughable to see a 19 year old boy desperately search for a sharpener he couldn't open 

At 1 a.m the boy desperately tried to take the blade out of the sharpener but it didn't work 

"Fuck fuck fuck" he said as he threw the sharpener away. The tears filled his eyes as he felt unbelievably helpless and small almost 

So fucking vulnerable that he hated it 

Nothing was working out right now 

He laughed at himself and his desperation as he went back to his place on the bed. He sat there his head next to the headboard of the bed as he emptily stared on the ceiling 

He wondered where it all went wrong 

Had it been the way he was raised ? 

Sure he had amazing parents. They never hesitated to spend money on him and always loved him

Sure they fought but don't all parents fight?

Sure there were moments their fights would get too much to bare and his mother would cry in his lap late at night as he tried to control his own tears because it was her who needed comfort 

Not him 

Perhaps their fights hurt him more than he'd ever accept 

He remembers the broken glass and trashed floor 

How his mother would throw things at his father as his father would yell right back 

He remembers the darkened eyes and the empty bottles which somehow still smelt of alcohol 

The messy hair and shaking bodies, the empty hugs and painful cries 

That was his childhood

Ruined by the idea of his loved ones leaving him forever 

He remembers the empty threats that his mother would scream at him 

The same woman who had raised him would scream desperate "I hate you's" at him as he controlled his tears 

He never could comfort her for the fact that only his suffering would satisfy her from her own conditions

He supposes all four of them were miserable 

His dad would disappear for week's time cheating, drinking and possibly ruining his own life

His mother would cry all day as she'd desperately contact everyone to tell where his father was, only to end up drunk, teary eyed and steps away from suicide

She'd scream at him when his father would come back and leave 

Everytime one of his parents would leave he'd wonder if this time its going be forever

But it was never forever and in a way he believes that fucked him up alot more 

His childhood was like a week of bliss followed by a month of tears 

He remembers how he started talking a lot more because of his life 

He'd feel so suffocated at home talking to his family, that he only ever talked to his friends 

He annoyed them all the time because he couldn't sit at home and deal with everything always going on 

Maybe he'll never know where it all went wrong but now that he is a nineteen year old young adult, he has come to the bone chilling discovery that no one cares 

No one cares because eventually they will get tired of all of his shit because he is incapable of being grateful 

And the worst part is that he deserves that 

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the late update and I am gonna have my finals in January so I'll try to upload before the 15th of jan and if I fail to I won't be uploading before February 
> 
> I hope you liked the chapter, next chapter I'll try to make the story decend a bit further and hopefully by the chapter next to thay bring the members on the picture again 
> 
> Also VERY IMPORTANT- I was planning to write a story on emotional abuse by a parent or loved one for one of the member of txt (i was thinking if doing it with soobin) tell me what you all think About 
> 
> Thank you so much 
> 
> Annie


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beomgyu finally comes back home

Two months and six days 

Sixty-seven days 

One thousand six hundred and eight hours 

Thats the time he had completely wasted while attempting to 'fix his mental health 

It seems so much longer than that if he were to be honest, his panic attack seems like it was from years ago and the memories of him fighting with his member even older 

He would be lying if he said this isolation had been only bad for him, in fact he had started communicating with people again sometime last month 

He had started talking alot more yet not so much 

He once again found himself looking at old pictures, wondering how could someone so care free and innocent become what he is now 

How could someone who was so confident so terrifyingly happy become so insecure and sad

He looked through another picture merely from two years ago where he held a smile so beautiful and big. You could see his teeth but even then it didn't look like grimace like it does now, his eyes formed pretty crescents which they rarely do and his hands were above his head forming some sort of bear expression 

To top it all off he was alone in thr picture (now he rarely takes pictures of himself when they aren't for moa) 

It almost made him cry as he pressed delete on this one 

There goes another picture he deleted of himself

His gallery was almost devoid of his own pictures now to the point he had to scroll through four years just to get a decent picture 

He liked it this way 

Once the picture had been deleted he looked at the clock as a small "shit" escaped his lips 

It was 8:30, the boarding for his flight should have started ten minutes ago 

He hastily gets up from his place at the Vip waiting room booked for him by the company and runs towards the lift leading to the floor above where his boarding gate would be 

He bumps into a few people while muttering repeating sorry's so everyone could hear him 

As he gets closer to the lift he could see two ladies staring at him 

They both appeared to be somewhere in their middle ages 

Their looks made him alot more nervous than they should have and he could feel his breathing picking up 

The ladies weren't even focusing on him yet the idea of being in a small lift with two other people terrified him 

He walked towards the other lift as he waited for another five minutes for It to come down 

Somehow he made it to the plane on time 

* * *

Beomgyu has a habit of nervously tapping his foot when he was free 

This habit had always been something which irked his parents and then Soobin hyung who tried to make him get rid of it 

Ofcourse neither of their tries had been successful but it was better than biting his nails atleast

He was currently sitting in all black Hyundai seven seater 

The car had beige colored seat covers and a brownish sort of leather cover on the dash board 

This is the car he and his members usually used to go to award shows though the person driving it was unfamiliar with him 

He had never seen mystery driver man before which only sky rocketed his nervousness 

Somewhere while stuck in his thoughts he fell asleep

He felt a small tap on his shoulder

The touch was so gentle it felt worried of the consequences of its existence 

Beomgyu knows different type of touches, he knows how his members touch him or how his parents do 

Their touches aren't of fear mixed with uncertainty 

He opes his eyes while frowning to see the driver attempting to shake him awake

"What happened" he asks with slurred words probably from the long nap 

"We're here sir" the driver who he now sees has black hair and a very familiar blue shade 

The colour of his eyes reminds him of the lense yeonjun hyung used to love which reminds him of the fact 

He's going to meet them today 

Very soon 

His mouth forms an "o" shape as he nods attempting to shake sleep off 

The driver gets off of his seat and opens the door for Beomgyu

The young idol opens the gate to their apartment complex as he tightens the mask around his face 

The driver stays behind getting luggage, the idol reaches the lift and pressed and all to familiar floor 13 

It was exciting yet so terrifying 

He opens his phone and sees tons of texts from his members 

He shoots a "open the door" text in the group chat 

He reaches the 13th floor as he hears a high screech which he had misses so much 

He tries to step inside but is quickly tackled to the floor as his youngest dongsaeng hugs him with all his might 

The youngest was buzzing with excitement and pulled his tiny Hyung closer

"I MISSED YOU SO MUCH" The younger screamed in Beomgyu's ear not that he minded because this was what he needed

It was so much like huening kai to be loud with his love and care

His love was so loud and so heart warming, it was like he was screaming positivity Which he kind of was 

It was so easy to return this love because how could someone be so pure ?

"Kai-ah if you are done then let us have this moment too" He heard Taehyun say but there was a slight smile in his voice

Huening kai got off him as he lended him a hand and helped him get up 

Soobin was the next to hug him joined by yeonjun and huening kai joined again ? 

That child loves cuddles a little too much 

It took about four more seconds for Taehyun to join 

Taehyun's love was alot more silent compared to the rest of them 

He liked bickering and physical banter as his form of affection so when he gave physical closure in this soft form it was the best feeling in the world

Especially to Beomgyu 

As everyone slowly stopped hugging after a good tearful ten minutes he was bombarded with questions about everything that happend 

Ofcourse there were a lot of dumb questions about Daegu from yeonjun 

"No yeonjun hyung we don't need to fetch water from the lake" 

"We have air conditioners" 

"FOR THE 100TH TIME WE DONT USE TRACTORS TO TRAVEL" 

Other than that the round of questioning went smoothly 

Soobin had thrown a concerned look his way when he caught Beomgyu shaking his leg but Beomgyu smiled it off while patting the older's back 

It was fun today

Better than he had expected, for a while it was just the five of them and their life. No fans, no rude comments, no arguments, no managers, no idol lives 

Just Soobin, yeonjun, beomgyu, huening kai and Taehyun being friends instead of idols 

He had missed this so much 

For once he wasn't worried about tomorrow because today was happy 


End file.
